Can be such idiots.

ALSOOOO......the two guys in my life. One is a civilian, will never put himself into harms way by choice. The other's in the military, is busier than the other dude b/c of it, and goodness am i more attracted to him. My relationship with him is confusing as fuck for other reasons.

So my question is --> WHY CANT I GO WITH THE SAFER CHOICE? Why cant I go for the man that's always there, is WAY too into me, and most likely wont be blown up by an IED? Why am I disgusted by this guy?  Why does the thought of touching him make me gag?  UGH. 

And then --> Why is military guy so damned silent?  Actually, I dont even want to go into our relationship.  Complicated, but SOO not.  He's a friend, but we were originally set up and that went well so wtf????  I'm normally rather good at interpreting things.  With him, notsomuch. Ohh and the sacrificing yourself for your country is a bit of a turn on, too.

Jeez, man. And that date with the civilian was so fucking AWFUL.  I felt like curling up in a ball and crying.  And my non-date dates with milman are like an oasis.  Mhh.  Warm and fuzzy feelings.  If I am correct, milman is simply shy (knew that from the start)...but I'd rather not get my hopes up.  In any case, I'll get a good friend out of this?  Rawr!!!!  But that's not exactly waht I want.

Am also realizing I must be friends with the guy before I date him.  Whether it is with the current dude or someone in the future, I've gotta be friends with them FIRST.  I totally dont become friends with men Im not attracted to in some way. Cruel? Yea, but true.  Otherwise I just feel plain sick when I'm trying to date/be friendly/etc with you.